-- November 9, 2002 3:07 A.M.
-Didn't add a page that contained japanese characters.
-Didn't post incriminating photos of the dean of students on the webpage.
-Didn't disclose plans for world domination.
-Didn't eat tuna salad on a webcam.
-Didn't post the Purdue Football Schedule
-Didn't make a link to Ebay
-Didn't post a picture of me riding down the hallway on the back of a donkey
-Didn't do anything worthwhile on the website


-- December 10, 2002 9:47 P.M.
- Didn't discover secret plans of the Russians and post on the webpage
- Didn't expose a roll of film to gamma radiation and scan into the webpage
- Didn't decode the human genome and post on the webpage
- Didn't make a bong out of a CRT
- Didn't sell my computer on ebay
- Didn't post my grades
- Didn't do anything worthwhile on the website

-- April 7, 2004 1:18 A.M.

• Didn't pose naked for a dirty website
• Didn't go out and laugh at blind people
• Didn't poke the homeless with a stick
• Didn't eat a can of spam and then recite "I'm a little teapot" 10 times
• Didn't sign up for 4-H
• Didn't decide to become a transvestite and move to China
• Didn't decide to eat twinkies (the fun-food of white trash!)
• Didn't (as always) do anything worthwhile on website

-- April 8, 2004 10:54 P.M.

• Didn't eat a nice, healthy bowl of children
• Didn't watch Mystery Men
• Didn't shove fish crackers up my nose
• Didn't make a music video featuring Mickie Mouse getting jacked in the face by Josh and Ryan
• Didn't eat a cookie and then insist on riding topless in a corvette

-- August 20, 2004 11:42 P.M.

• Didn't sob uncontrollably while eating a tube sock
• Didn't try to yodel the national anthem while eating saltines
• Didn't make a picture of cats playing poker.  Some things are just too weird, you know.
• Didn't pretend to be going out with Little Debbie and then threaten to take her cupcakes.
• Didn't listen to Dave Matthew profess his love for Susan B. Anthony.
• Didn't start my own band and then go to rehab.
• Didn't say to myself, "Why haven't I leaped yet?"
• Didn't do a single important thing on this website.  (see a trend yet?)

-- March 2, 2005 12:26 A.M.

• Didn't write a thesis about the dangers of alcoholism in the modern day doll-making workplace
• Didn't eat a box of fruit rollups and profess my desire to join FFA
• Didn't make a small paper hat out of some newspaper
• Didn't smack around a bum in order to make myself feel better about myself
• Didn't make faces into the mirror and smear cheese on a door
• Didn't ride an A-bomb down to the U.S.S.R.
• Didn't make a new page called "What's New"
• Didn't create a new treatment for the common cold using a weasel and a small box of raisins
• Didn't create Windows and become a billionaire
• Didn't put lipstick on a dog
• (All together now) Didn't do a single useful thing to this webpage

-- March 4, 2007 2:12 A.M.

• Didn't eat a box of moldy cheerios, smack a prostitute, and then declare myself the emperor of France.
• Didn't offer to take Keane out to eat and then thoroughly wash and wax their cars.
• Didn't say the word "debacle" seventy-three and a half times while performing the heimlich maneuver.
• Didn't smother a dwarf with old bags of puppy chow and then eat a box of ho-hos.
• Didn't force feed watermelon to a donkey while whistling the theme song of MXC.
• Didn't smoke a fruit rollup and display an American flag on a busty, yet strangely manly woman named Rita.
• Didn't destroy an entire ancient civilization with a magnificent stroke of my Arnold-like arm while eating a crusty meat pie.
• Didn't destroy a magnificent painting of Marge, Queen of Margarine, while saying the alphabet backards.
• Didn't eat a necktie made entirely of weasels that had been lovingly handcrafted by an orc who claimed to be my long lost uncle's grandmother's dog's previous owner's housekeeper's lover.
• Didn't rewrite Yankee Doodle to include an interesting verse about the importance of keeping your hands clean in case of zombie apocalypse.
• Didn't eat a barrel of monkies, sing a song about polyps, and then proceed to beat up a rodeo clown.
• Didn't write the "Great American Novel" while making funny faces at a busload of nuns.
• Didn't make a batch of kryptonite cookies and send them to Superman.
• Didn't force a small band of gypsies into slavery before suddenly spinning around in circles until I vomited.
• Didn't make fun of the current CEO of Disney and claim that he requires a laserdisc in order to have a "bowel movement".
• Didn't take a laptop's notebook adapter, lodge it in a colon, and then release a press release about dangerous forms of bactine.
• Didn't make a call to the patent office insisting that I just invented the telephone.
• Didn't meet the Pope.
• Didn't make fart noises with my armpit while giving Oprah a noogie.
• Didn't join the "To Catch A Predator" team and give the offenders swirlies while reciting the 10 commandments and insisting that they should offer to take Keane out to eat and wash and wax their cars very, very thoroughly.
• Didn't propose to a twinkie with tuberculosis.
• Didn't [please tell me you saw this coming] make any meaningful updates to my website.